1. Hi UK. I was watching Broadchurch the other day (excellent show by the way), and this atrocity caught my attention.
I was like, “what in the fresh hell?!” then immediately Googled what this was. Before you get mad and start yelling that Scotch eggs are the best thing since a nice cup of tea, I just wanna say… please look at the description from my point of view. “A Scotch egg consists of a hard-boiled egg wrapped in sausage meat, coated in bread crumbs and baked or deep-fried.” WHO. THOUGHT. OF. THIS?!
2. So UK, let’s sit down, have a chat, and talk about your food choices.
Please. Sit down. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.
3. Like, we need to talk about whatever the fuck is happening here in this sandwich.
My extensive research tells me it’s something called a “cheese & Branston pickle sandwich.” My extensive research also tells me, it looks fucking horrible.
4. I first learned about haggis when reading Harry Potter. Sometimes I wish I never read that part.
I mean it probably didn’t help it was described as “maggoty”, but also where’s the lie?
5. What is this plate of sadness and more sadness?
What did innocent toast ever do to you?
6. I need you to explain this meal to me, and the thought process behind it.
I get it. All probably delicious things. But why are they all combined?
7. I also need someone to try and explain this to me before I report it. It’s a joke, right? Right?
9. You have something called “spotted dick sponge” that comes in a can, and I just don’t think that’s ok. I don’t think you’re ok.
R U OK??????
10. Then you ruin a great old fry-up with black pudding… A TYPE OF BLOOD SAUSAGE.
13. Is this… meant to pass as a meal?
I searched desperately to try and find out the point of this. Apparently this “fine seaweed” is like a “purée” and is commonly enjoyed on hot, buttered toast.
Oh, sorry were you waiting for me to say something else? I’ve just been sitting here in sadness and confusion for the last 10 minutes.
14. You lost me (once again) at the description of this: A semi-hard cow’s milk cheese.
Then it got worse: Before being left to mature, this cheese is wrapped in nettle leaves to form an edible, though mouldy, rind.
I just dry-retched.
15. This is apparently a food you enjoy, known as jellied eels.
I don’t understand why it’s left to get all jellied, and why it’s eaten cold. I just… I…
16. Do you have to add the Sav Blanc in the hopes that you’ll get drunk and forget whatever travesty you just ate?
17. And finally, your need to combine foods to make them even weirder, is just so bizarre.
Ahhh UK. I love things in pastry so I can see where you’re going here. Who doesn’t love a sausage roll? An apple pie? They’re so great! On THEIR GODDAMN OWN. Why are you combining a pastry with a savoury end, and a sweet end? IT’S SO STRANGE. And then give it the name Bedfordshire clanger? WAT?!
Tahlia Pritchard is a senior writer for BuzzFeed and is based in Sydney.